And now I have every/no-thing

I have been in a state of survival for much of my adult life, for several different reasons and at different times with more urgency than other times. During these periods of life, I have searched for refuge within myself. It has been a lonely journey at best, both due to the physical distance with my close family, and also because of the mental conditioning that accompanies being a woman.

It has taken me years and years of dedication, of working with myself, with love and compassion at every step of the way. Finding a new way forward, one that once again required a lot of courage. I have been supported by loving people, family, friends and health professionals, from my GP to my psychiatrist, who continues to support me actively in my life.

And so it is, in that way that I left a marriage that didn’t serve me, while still remaining “trapped” in Norway for the forseeable future.

I don’t take for granted the fact that I am fortunate, that as difficult as these moments are, I have a loving family across many countries cheering me on and wishing me well, a loving sisterhood that I have cultivated here in Norway. I know I am at my strongest mentally, and even when it is painful, I know I am already better off.

I never questioned my relationship with my former husband and did not seek to challenge the aspects of the relationship that didn’t serve me. I wasn’t raised to understand why that mattered. It took long, but I eventually understood that even when I loved my husband, I loved myself more and I decided to end my marriage.

Life is an endless carrousel of bittersweet moments. For now, I know that my art is also holding me as I enter this new stage of my life. I have grieved, I have laughed, I have showered myself with love and sympathy. I am in the thick of it, missing my children when I am not with them, while building a life that will make me proud and happy while I must stay in a place that doesn’t serve me.

I read Strangers, by Belle Burden, earlier this year. I could not put it down, when my cousin recommended it to me. There was so much I could relate to in the story. In particular, while it unravelled in my own life, that I only knew the man I married, while the man I am divorcing is someone completely foreign to me.

Having three neurodivergent children, who are the biggest blessing in my life, means that I need to be extra good at taking care of myself. My children are my whole world, and always have been, I fought my way to be a stay at home parent to them, because I knew this was the most important role in my life. I could not foresee how challenging that would be without a village to hold me and without a husband who actively supported me in that role. My eventual burnout was also an inevitable path for me, who was working tirelessly to be a “good mom”, to be completely devoted to my children, and not having a real partner within my marriage who would be an ally during my journey into matrescence.

This is the beginning of more personal posts, and the intersection of life and art, as a woman artist.